“It’s not your job to look after me.  If you want to get on my case because I’m putting you and the others at risk, that’s fine.  It’s your right to yell at me for that.  But don’t make me feel bad because you can’t be the macho guy, protecting me.”

I don’t think that’s the point, Taylor, but I see where you’re coming from.

(Also, isn’t it part of his job, as leader of the team, to look after his teammates? Maybe not to this extent, but I’m just nitpicking Taylor’s claim.)

“That’s not-” he stopped.  “No.  I’m trying to say I think about you more than I should.”

Aw 🙂

I’m not entirely back on the ship yet, but it’s entirely possible that we’re heading into territory that remove the main reason I left it, namely that it was explicitly not mutual. I leapt overboard when the canon sunk it at the harbor, and now the ship is being raised from the depths using ping-pong balls.

I doubt I’ll be going back on board, mainly because since the sinking, Taylor and especially Brian have started displaying contrasting traits that make me less keen on the two of them together. If canon supports it from Taylor’s side again, I might change my mind, but for now I don’t think I’ll ever be as into it as I originally was.

Brian is a sweet guy, though, when he’s open enough to show it.

I looked away.  I might have asked whether he thought about me more than he should because he cared, or because I was a fuck up.

Have you been listening?

I wasn’t sure I wanted to hear the answer, either way.

Fair enough.

I folded my arms.  This was uncomfortably close to what he’d been saying before.

Yes, he’s saying it again, but in a much more respectful and caring way. He did mean the core of what he was saying, to some extent, but not for it to come out the angry, hurtful way it did.

“I start thinking about how I’m supposed to protect you, get you to stop, get you to focus on a goal that’s actually attainable, because you’re so capable that you could be amazing if you stopped acting suicidal.

So…

I was so certain Taylor would blame herself for what happened to Brian, and you’re telling me it’s the other way around entirely?

He’s blaming himself for what happened to Taylor, for not being able to stop her from getting herself and the rest of the party captured by Bonesaw (among other risky plans), to such an extent that he may have had his trigger event more over that than over Aisha being in similar danger?

Dammit, the one prediction I thought I had on lockdown and Wildbow flips it completely. 😛

Then I get pissed at myself and I get pissed at you, because I can’t figure you out, and you move forward so fast that I can’t keep up.

Oh yeah, she’s quite fast-paced compared to slow-and-safe Brian over here. She skitters ahead.

I let my guard drop for one evening to focus on other things, and then I find out you’d gotten in a fight with Mannequin.”

Whoops.

I swallowed.

“I won’t lie and say I’ve suddenly realized I’m in love with you.  I don’t really know what I feel, so I can only comment on what I think.

This is relatable, honestly. It can be a gradual thing, and it’s not always easy to tell if that’s actually what it is.

I can say I respect you on a lot of levels, even if I can’t figure you out.”

Was any of the stuff you said before a reflection of your real thoughts on Taylor? Because that question is very relevant right now.

“Sure as hell didn’t sound like you respected me thirty seconds ago.”

Exactly.

“I worry about you.  You throw yourself into these situations like you don’t care if you die, like you’ve got nothing to stick around for except for those people you insist on protecting.

Ahhh. And that kind of worry can turn into anger towards the person you worry about very easily. “Why can’t you see that you need to be careful?! That I care about you?!”

And it’s worth noting that Brian is right here. Taylor has been acting, thinking, like that, and it’s been worrying me too from time to time.

Dinah, the people from your territory.  People you barely know, if at all.  And then you actually make it out okay, so you do it again, only more so.  Riskier stuff.”

Her heroic side is dangerously strong.

“And you can’t stop thinking?  I feel like that, all the time, and I have for a while.”

This might be good. Give him someone to relate to, even if it’s just a bit. Just make sure it doesn’t come across as “suck it up, I have it just as bad” and you’re good.

“They had Aisha.  So much of what I’ve done, I’ve done because I wanted to support her.  Make up for the fact that I wasn’t there when she needed it, before.  Only we’re putting her in more danger, and she doesn’t respect me enough to let me keep her out of danger.”

I feel like the bit about not being there when she needed it is even stronger given the information that Brian’s trigger story was somewhat embellished. I do think it goes beyond that one moment, though, into all the bad days Brian didn’t know Aisha had before it came to that head.

I turned around.

“And as long as I’m being honest and upfront,” he said, “I was thinking about you when I had my trigger event.”

And the shippers go wild. 😛

(I was a little confused for a moment, until I realized he was talking about his second trigger event.)

How was I supposed to respond to that?  A part of me wanted to sympathize, to hug him and tell him it was okay.  Another part of me was angry, wanted to slap him, scream at him, because he was still focused on himself, himself, himself, after he’d just attacked me.

Still waiting on that apology, Brian.

I do get the sense that he said that last part in order to explain his behavior, which is all well and good, but it had better lead into a proper apology.

I understood why he’d done it, but that didn’t make his barbs hurt any less.

And this is why. Sure, I’m interested in why he did it, but the fact of the matter is that he deliberately, viciously hurt Taylor and needs to acknowledge that it was wrong of him to do that.

Even if he did believe some of what he was saying.

“I’m sorry,” he said.

Thank you.

“I’m on edge.  I’m spooked.  I can’t calm down.  I shouldn’t have said what I did.”

You really shouldn’t, and I’m pleased to hear you acknowledge that.

Alright, let’s get back to it!