Krixwell Liveblogs

I folded my arms.  This was uncomfortably close to what he’d been saying before.

Yes, he’s saying it again, but in a much more respectful and caring way. He did mean the core of what he was saying, to some extent, but not for it to come out the angry, hurtful way it did.

“I start thinking about how I’m supposed to protect you, get you to stop, get you to focus on a goal that’s actually attainable, because you’re so capable that you could be amazing if you stopped acting suicidal.

So…

I was so certain Taylor would blame herself for what happened to Brian, and you’re telling me it’s the other way around entirely?

He’s blaming himself for what happened to Taylor, for not being able to stop her from getting herself and the rest of the party captured by Bonesaw (among other risky plans), to such an extent that he may have had his trigger event more over that than over Aisha being in similar danger?

Dammit, the one prediction I thought I had on lockdown and Wildbow flips it completely. 😛

Then I get pissed at myself and I get pissed at you, because I can’t figure you out, and you move forward so fast that I can’t keep up.

Oh yeah, she’s quite fast-paced compared to slow-and-safe Brian over here. She skitters ahead.

I let my guard drop for one evening to focus on other things, and then I find out you’d gotten in a fight with Mannequin.”

Whoops.

I swallowed.

“I won’t lie and say I’ve suddenly realized I’m in love with you.  I don’t really know what I feel, so I can only comment on what I think.

This is relatable, honestly. It can be a gradual thing, and it’s not always easy to tell if that’s actually what it is.

I can say I respect you on a lot of levels, even if I can’t figure you out.”

Was any of the stuff you said before a reflection of your real thoughts on Taylor? Because that question is very relevant right now.

“Sure as hell didn’t sound like you respected me thirty seconds ago.”

Exactly.

“I worry about you.  You throw yourself into these situations like you don’t care if you die, like you’ve got nothing to stick around for except for those people you insist on protecting.

Ahhh. And that kind of worry can turn into anger towards the person you worry about very easily. “Why can’t you see that you need to be careful?! That I care about you?!”

And it’s worth noting that Brian is right here. Taylor has been acting, thinking, like that, and it’s been worrying me too from time to time.

Dinah, the people from your territory.  People you barely know, if at all.  And then you actually make it out okay, so you do it again, only more so.  Riskier stuff.”

Her heroic side is dangerously strong.

“And you can’t stop thinking?  I feel like that, all the time, and I have for a while.”

This might be good. Give him someone to relate to, even if it’s just a bit. Just make sure it doesn’t come across as “suck it up, I have it just as bad” and you’re good.

“They had Aisha.  So much of what I’ve done, I’ve done because I wanted to support her.  Make up for the fact that I wasn’t there when she needed it, before.  Only we’re putting her in more danger, and she doesn’t respect me enough to let me keep her out of danger.”

I feel like the bit about not being there when she needed it is even stronger given the information that Brian’s trigger story was somewhat embellished. I do think it goes beyond that one moment, though, into all the bad days Brian didn’t know Aisha had before it came to that head.

I turned around.

“And as long as I’m being honest and upfront,” he said, “I was thinking about you when I had my trigger event.”

And the shippers go wild. 😛

(I was a little confused for a moment, until I realized he was talking about his second trigger event.)

How was I supposed to respond to that?  A part of me wanted to sympathize, to hug him and tell him it was okay.  Another part of me was angry, wanted to slap him, scream at him, because he was still focused on himself, himself, himself, after he’d just attacked me.

Still waiting on that apology, Brian.

I do get the sense that he said that last part in order to explain his behavior, which is all well and good, but it had better lead into a proper apology.

I understood why he’d done it, but that didn’t make his barbs hurt any less.

And this is why. Sure, I’m interested in why he did it, but the fact of the matter is that he deliberately, viciously hurt Taylor and needs to acknowledge that it was wrong of him to do that.

Even if he did believe some of what he was saying.

“I’m sorry,” he said.

Thank you.

“I’m on edge.  I’m spooked.  I can’t calm down.  I shouldn’t have said what I did.”

You really shouldn’t, and I’m pleased to hear you acknowledge that.

Alright, let’s get back to it!

I drew some bugs around my lower face and eyes as a makeshift mask.  My real mask was still in tatters.  I noted that the modifications I’d made were no longer necessary.  I wondered if I would go back to skintight leggings.

I think the leggings fit the aesthetic better.

It’d be good to get back to my people.  To check on them, and ensure they were okay.  Maybe they’d be better off without me.  If Tattletale or Regent took over the-

I really don’t think they would be better off without you. Aside from acting as a bullseye drawn on the city map, you’ve done nothing but good for the territory.

“Stop,” he said, cutting off my train of thought.

That’s not the S word I was hoping to hear, but I’m listening.

Didn’t need to hear more of his accusations, his condemnations.  I ignored him and headed for the front door.

Though Taylor isn’t.

“Please.”

Getting closer.

His tone had changed.  I stopped walking.

“I’ve never really said anything like this to anyone,” he said.  “But I’m scared.  I’m more powerful now, but I feel more insecure than ever.”

A scared little boy pretending to be a leader.

Who said it had to apply only to Trickster?

The Nine.  Bonesaw.  But I could hardly say that.  Not after seeing his reaction when I’d casually brought up the Nine before.  However intent he seemed to be on hurting me, I wasn’t going to retaliate in kind.

Taylor’s a good kid.

“That’s what I thought,” he said, to my silence.

I looked up at the ceiling, blinking to get the tears out of my eyes.  “Okay.”

Honestly, Taylor blaming the Nine is a big development for her. She’s had an unhealthy habit of blaming herself for failing to completely prevent atrocities instead of blaming the people committing them, and this seems to be a step in the right direction.

“What?”

“I’ll own up to it.  My fault.  The blame is at least partially mine.  Maybe mostly mine.  I’ve been reckless, and others have suffered for it.  Dinah, my dad, Bitch, the people in my territory.  You.  Maybe I am toxic.  Maybe me and my motivations, my issues, are causing everyone misery.  I can leave the team if you want.  Give me the word, and I’ll leave.”

Way to put him on the spot, make him either follow through and take the consequences of hurting you like this, or admit he still wants you around.

And given that this is almost certainly the last chapter of the Arc before we go into Interlude territory, it could actually go either way, depending on Grue’s actual mindset here.

There was a long pause.

“Christ,” he said.  “I’m not telling you to leave.  I’m just-”

Phew.

Maybe he didn’t realize just how hurtful he’s being?

“You’re making it clear I should.  And you’re probably right.“

“I’m frustrated, and I went too far.  That’s not what I’m trying to say.”

I think putting him on the spot like that was a really good move here, helping him to realize how far he was going.

I’m waiting for an apology, though, Brian. You went waaay too far.

“Sure sounds like it.”

I stood up and turned away.  I didn’t want to see that look in his eyes.

Which one, the angry look or the sad puppy who just realized he fucked up?

I tugged my armor into position and made sure I had everything I needed.  It wouldn’t do to get ambushed and killed as I left.

Welp, I guess we’re doing this then.

My modified costume was heavier than my old one had been, and between that and the blanket, and this place’s lack of air conditioning, I was sweating.  My hair was stuck to the back of my neck. 

He wasn’t saying anything.

Come on, Brian. It begins with “I’m” and ends with “sorry”.

“I’m going to go.  Half my territory burned to the ground, my people need some attention.  If you decide everyone’s better off with me gone, just pass on the word.  I won’t make a fuss, I won’t say you wanted me gone.  I’ll just make an excuse and leave.”

“It’s up to you. Think about it.”