I drew some bugs around my lower face and eyes as a makeshift mask.  My real mask was still in tatters.  I noted that the modifications I’d made were no longer necessary.  I wondered if I would go back to skintight leggings.

I think the leggings fit the aesthetic better.

It’d be good to get back to my people.  To check on them, and ensure they were okay.  Maybe they’d be better off without me.  If Tattletale or Regent took over the-

I really don’t think they would be better off without you. Aside from acting as a bullseye drawn on the city map, you’ve done nothing but good for the territory.

“Stop,” he said, cutting off my train of thought.

That’s not the S word I was hoping to hear, but I’m listening.

Didn’t need to hear more of his accusations, his condemnations.  I ignored him and headed for the front door.

Though Taylor isn’t.

“Please.”

Getting closer.

His tone had changed.  I stopped walking.

“I’ve never really said anything like this to anyone,” he said.  “But I’m scared.  I’m more powerful now, but I feel more insecure than ever.”

A scared little boy pretending to be a leader.

Who said it had to apply only to Trickster?

The Nine.  Bonesaw.  But I could hardly say that.  Not after seeing his reaction when I’d casually brought up the Nine before.  However intent he seemed to be on hurting me, I wasn’t going to retaliate in kind.

Taylor’s a good kid.

“That’s what I thought,” he said, to my silence.

I looked up at the ceiling, blinking to get the tears out of my eyes.  “Okay.”

Honestly, Taylor blaming the Nine is a big development for her. She’s had an unhealthy habit of blaming herself for failing to completely prevent atrocities instead of blaming the people committing them, and this seems to be a step in the right direction.

“What?”

“I’ll own up to it.  My fault.  The blame is at least partially mine.  Maybe mostly mine.  I’ve been reckless, and others have suffered for it.  Dinah, my dad, Bitch, the people in my territory.  You.  Maybe I am toxic.  Maybe me and my motivations, my issues, are causing everyone misery.  I can leave the team if you want.  Give me the word, and I’ll leave.”

Way to put him on the spot, make him either follow through and take the consequences of hurting you like this, or admit he still wants you around.

And given that this is almost certainly the last chapter of the Arc before we go into Interlude territory, it could actually go either way, depending on Grue’s actual mindset here.

There was a long pause.

“Christ,” he said.  “I’m not telling you to leave.  I’m just-”

Phew.

Maybe he didn’t realize just how hurtful he’s being?

“You’re making it clear I should.  And you’re probably right.“

“I’m frustrated, and I went too far.  That’s not what I’m trying to say.”

I think putting him on the spot like that was a really good move here, helping him to realize how far he was going.

I’m waiting for an apology, though, Brian. You went waaay too far.

“Sure sounds like it.”

I stood up and turned away.  I didn’t want to see that look in his eyes.

Which one, the angry look or the sad puppy who just realized he fucked up?

I tugged my armor into position and made sure I had everything I needed.  It wouldn’t do to get ambushed and killed as I left.

Welp, I guess we’re doing this then.

My modified costume was heavier than my old one had been, and between that and the blanket, and this place’s lack of air conditioning, I was sweating.  My hair was stuck to the back of my neck. 

He wasn’t saying anything.

Come on, Brian. It begins with “I’m” and ends with “sorry”.

“I’m going to go.  Half my territory burned to the ground, my people need some attention.  If you decide everyone’s better off with me gone, just pass on the word.  I won’t make a fuss, I won’t say you wanted me gone.  I’ll just make an excuse and leave.”

“It’s up to you. Think about it.”

Here’s who deserves the blame, Brian: The Slaughterhouse Nine.

“What’s not fair is that I’m the one who’s tried to keep things sensible, to keep this group sane, and when push comes to shove, when I go with the majority because things won’t go smoothly if I don’t, I’m the one who gets captured and tortured.  Your plan!”

And there it is. He just blamed her for him getting captured.

*pinches brow* Damn it, Brian.

“Don’t.”

“Are you going to tell me I’m wrong?”

“It- it wasn’t fair.  You’re right.  But I don’t deserve all of the blame here.  I volunteered to be the person Trickster swapped out.”

Taylor is actually taking this better than I was expecting.

But somehow I don’t think “I was going to be the one recklessly thrown into the lion’s den” is going to appease Brian.

“Knowing there was no way you could, with your injury.  So you let me.”

No, Brian. She’s not that manipulative.

He stared at me with an intensity that I couldn’t meet.  I broke eye contact, looking down at my gloved hands, which were clutched together in my lap, fingers tangled.  “Tell me, Taylor.  If you don’t deserve blame, who does?”

Fuck off.

“Stop,” I said.  I was getting flashbacks to my conversations with Armsmaster, now.

Well yes, Armsmaster was right about a lot of what he said about you too, in the early days.

“You say you’re not manipulative, that your undercover operation was pure in motive, but you are.  You throw yourself into those situations solo, or you join in on whatever fucked up plan the others come up with, and you do it because it makes you useful, because you know we’d struggle without you, you’re making us dependent on you.”

I don’t think she’s doing that on purpose.

I swallowed past the lump in my throat.  “That’s not- not what I’m doing.  Every step of the way, I had other reasons.  Strategies, or there were people I needed to help-”

“Maybe Bitch was right about you all along.”

Bitch’s precise assessment of Taylor seems to have varied a bit over time, care to elaborate on that?

I suppose it mostly boils down to “do not want”.

“That’s not fair.”  This isn’t him.  He’s still reeling from what Bonesaw did to him.

Yeah, let’s fuckin’ hope this is temporary.

That excuse did little to shake my worries that this was what he really thought.  Was this the stuff he was holding back, every day he was with me.

It might be. We might be having brutal honesty hour over here. The alternative is mean lies for the purpose of hurting.

I’d actually prefer brutal honesty hour, I think.

I clenched my fists.  Any resolve I’d had to remain calm was gone.  “I would have done the same thing for Bitch!  Or Lisa, or Alec, even!  Are you seriously telling me you wish I’d let you die?  You’re alive now!  It worked out!”

Is it just me or is it getting warm in here?

“Because we got lucky!  Christ, you always do this!”

Elaborate, please.

Put others at risk with plans that rely on luck?

Using my power, I checked on the others.  One of the dogs had perked its head up at the shouting, but nobody else had roused.  I didn’t take my eyes off Brian, though.  The look in his eyes was scary.  Angrier than I’d seen him.  I’d unconsciously defaulted to the same defenses I’d used against Bitch: Eye contact, pushing back when pushed.

Whoops.

I deliberately lowered my voice.  “Always do what?”

“You’re smarter than average, so you count on your ability to think up solutions on the fly, you throw yourself into these reckless situations, push and vote for the risky plans because you know that’s a situation where you thrive, where you offer the most to the group.  Every step of the way, you do it.  Pushing the all-out assault on the Wards at the bank, charging in to fight Lung after taking on Oni Lee, the fundraiser, confronting Purity, attacking Leviathan with zero backup, the attack on the Wards’ HQ-”

…he’s not wrong.

Now that I couldn’t raise those subjects without reminding him of what had happened earlier, I was lost.

“You shouldn’t have come for me.”

Oh boy, here we go.

I’m guessing he means because it put them in trouble too?

“What?”

“Should have left me there.  I was as good as dead.  Throwing away your life and the rest of the team, to try to rescue me?”

It’s because they care about you.

It’s not about numbers.

“You’re not thinking straight.  There’s no way I’d leave you behind.”

“Right.  Because you’re supposedly in love with me, so you go rushing off to rescue me.”

Oh shit, now he’s bringing it up.

I was getting an inkling last chapter that this subplot was resurfacing, because Brian kept doing things that seemed like they could, with shipper goggles on, easily be interpreted as him having feelings for Taylor that rivalled the familial love for Aisha in strength, even if he wouldn’t admit it. I’m not sure that’s what’s going on in his head, but here we are – it’s being brought up, made relevant again.

And who knows. Maybe he’s not entirely wrong in attributing this to Taylor’s attraction to him (if that’s even still a thing). However I don’t think that’s the full story, and I would be surprised to see her act any differently if it were Lisa, Alec or even Rachel who had ended up in Brian’s situation.

“Yeah.”  His reply was delayed, almost begrudging.  It didn’t sound gentle, or kind, or anything like that.  It was more like I’d expect someone to sound if they were giving up the password to a safe at gunpoint.

Turns out “Yeah” is, in fact, the password to Brian’s personal safe.

“Sorry,” I said.  I wasn’t sure exactly what for, but the apology was genuine.  The smile on my face was gone.

For a minute or two, neither of us said anything.

Awkward.

What had we ever talked about that wasn’t about our costumed life?

…fuck, good question.

…

…

…Aisha, but she’s since switched categories, was always relevant to Grue’s costumed exploits and is an especially sore subject right now…

…

…

…romance, but that would probably be the most awkward thing you could possibly bring up right now…

…

…

…itchy eyes…

At first, it had seemed like common sense.  I was new to the cape scene, it was exciting, he was experienced, and he’d wanted to share his knowledge.  We’d talked about our recent jobs, the implications, even jobs we were considering.  I could count on one hand, maybe two, the times we’d done stuff that hadn’t been centered around powers and fighting and violence.

And even then – 3.1, 4.1 to 4.3, 6.3, 7.5-7.6 – you ended up talking about it.