How was I supposed to respond to that?  A part of me wanted to sympathize, to hug him and tell him it was okay.  Another part of me was angry, wanted to slap him, scream at him, because he was still focused on himself, himself, himself, after he’d just attacked me.

Still waiting on that apology, Brian.

I do get the sense that he said that last part in order to explain his behavior, which is all well and good, but it had better lead into a proper apology.

I understood why he’d done it, but that didn’t make his barbs hurt any less.

And this is why. Sure, I’m interested in why he did it, but the fact of the matter is that he deliberately, viciously hurt Taylor and needs to acknowledge that it was wrong of him to do that.

Even if he did believe some of what he was saying.

“I’m sorry,” he said.

Thank you.

“I’m on edge.  I’m spooked.  I can’t calm down.  I shouldn’t have said what I did.”

You really shouldn’t, and I’m pleased to hear you acknowledge that.

Alright, let’s get back to it!

I drew some bugs around my lower face and eyes as a makeshift mask.  My real mask was still in tatters.  I noted that the modifications I’d made were no longer necessary.  I wondered if I would go back to skintight leggings.

I think the leggings fit the aesthetic better.

It’d be good to get back to my people.  To check on them, and ensure they were okay.  Maybe they’d be better off without me.  If Tattletale or Regent took over the-

I really don’t think they would be better off without you. Aside from acting as a bullseye drawn on the city map, you’ve done nothing but good for the territory.

“Stop,” he said, cutting off my train of thought.

That’s not the S word I was hoping to hear, but I’m listening.

Didn’t need to hear more of his accusations, his condemnations.  I ignored him and headed for the front door.

Though Taylor isn’t.

“Please.”

Getting closer.

His tone had changed.  I stopped walking.

“I’ve never really said anything like this to anyone,” he said.  “But I’m scared.  I’m more powerful now, but I feel more insecure than ever.”

A scared little boy pretending to be a leader.

Who said it had to apply only to Trickster?

The Nine.  Bonesaw.  But I could hardly say that.  Not after seeing his reaction when I’d casually brought up the Nine before.  However intent he seemed to be on hurting me, I wasn’t going to retaliate in kind.

Taylor’s a good kid.

“That’s what I thought,” he said, to my silence.

I looked up at the ceiling, blinking to get the tears out of my eyes.  “Okay.”

Honestly, Taylor blaming the Nine is a big development for her. She’s had an unhealthy habit of blaming herself for failing to completely prevent atrocities instead of blaming the people committing them, and this seems to be a step in the right direction.

“What?”

“I’ll own up to it.  My fault.  The blame is at least partially mine.  Maybe mostly mine.  I’ve been reckless, and others have suffered for it.  Dinah, my dad, Bitch, the people in my territory.  You.  Maybe I am toxic.  Maybe me and my motivations, my issues, are causing everyone misery.  I can leave the team if you want.  Give me the word, and I’ll leave.”

Way to put him on the spot, make him either follow through and take the consequences of hurting you like this, or admit he still wants you around.

And given that this is almost certainly the last chapter of the Arc before we go into Interlude territory, it could actually go either way, depending on Grue’s actual mindset here.

There was a long pause.

“Christ,” he said.  “I’m not telling you to leave.  I’m just-”

Phew.

Maybe he didn’t realize just how hurtful he’s being?

“You’re making it clear I should.  And you’re probably right.“

“I’m frustrated, and I went too far.  That’s not what I’m trying to say.”

I think putting him on the spot like that was a really good move here, helping him to realize how far he was going.

I’m waiting for an apology, though, Brian. You went waaay too far.

“Sure sounds like it.”

I stood up and turned away.  I didn’t want to see that look in his eyes.

Which one, the angry look or the sad puppy who just realized he fucked up?

I tugged my armor into position and made sure I had everything I needed.  It wouldn’t do to get ambushed and killed as I left.

Welp, I guess we’re doing this then.

My modified costume was heavier than my old one had been, and between that and the blanket, and this place’s lack of air conditioning, I was sweating.  My hair was stuck to the back of my neck. 

He wasn’t saying anything.

Come on, Brian. It begins with “I’m” and ends with “sorry”.

“I’m going to go.  Half my territory burned to the ground, my people need some attention.  If you decide everyone’s better off with me gone, just pass on the word.  I won’t make a fuss, I won’t say you wanted me gone.  I’ll just make an excuse and leave.”

“It’s up to you. Think about it.”

Here’s who deserves the blame, Brian: The Slaughterhouse Nine.

“What’s not fair is that I’m the one who’s tried to keep things sensible, to keep this group sane, and when push comes to shove, when I go with the majority because things won’t go smoothly if I don’t, I’m the one who gets captured and tortured.  Your plan!”

And there it is. He just blamed her for him getting captured.

*pinches brow* Damn it, Brian.

“Don’t.”

“Are you going to tell me I’m wrong?”

“It- it wasn’t fair.  You’re right.  But I don’t deserve all of the blame here.  I volunteered to be the person Trickster swapped out.”

Taylor is actually taking this better than I was expecting.

But somehow I don’t think “I was going to be the one recklessly thrown into the lion’s den” is going to appease Brian.

“Knowing there was no way you could, with your injury.  So you let me.”

No, Brian. She’s not that manipulative.

He stared at me with an intensity that I couldn’t meet.  I broke eye contact, looking down at my gloved hands, which were clutched together in my lap, fingers tangled.  “Tell me, Taylor.  If you don’t deserve blame, who does?”

Fuck off.

“Stop,” I said.  I was getting flashbacks to my conversations with Armsmaster, now.

Well yes, Armsmaster was right about a lot of what he said about you too, in the early days.

“You say you’re not manipulative, that your undercover operation was pure in motive, but you are.  You throw yourself into those situations solo, or you join in on whatever fucked up plan the others come up with, and you do it because it makes you useful, because you know we’d struggle without you, you’re making us dependent on you.”

I don’t think she’s doing that on purpose.

I swallowed past the lump in my throat.  “That’s not- not what I’m doing.  Every step of the way, I had other reasons.  Strategies, or there were people I needed to help-”

“Maybe Bitch was right about you all along.”

Bitch’s precise assessment of Taylor seems to have varied a bit over time, care to elaborate on that?

I suppose it mostly boils down to “do not want”.

“That’s not fair.”  This isn’t him.  He’s still reeling from what Bonesaw did to him.

Yeah, let’s fuckin’ hope this is temporary.

That excuse did little to shake my worries that this was what he really thought.  Was this the stuff he was holding back, every day he was with me.

It might be. We might be having brutal honesty hour over here. The alternative is mean lies for the purpose of hurting.

I’d actually prefer brutal honesty hour, I think.

I clenched my fists.  Any resolve I’d had to remain calm was gone.  “I would have done the same thing for Bitch!  Or Lisa, or Alec, even!  Are you seriously telling me you wish I’d let you die?  You’re alive now!  It worked out!”

Is it just me or is it getting warm in here?

“Because we got lucky!  Christ, you always do this!”

Elaborate, please.

Put others at risk with plans that rely on luck?

Using my power, I checked on the others.  One of the dogs had perked its head up at the shouting, but nobody else had roused.  I didn’t take my eyes off Brian, though.  The look in his eyes was scary.  Angrier than I’d seen him.  I’d unconsciously defaulted to the same defenses I’d used against Bitch: Eye contact, pushing back when pushed.

Whoops.

I deliberately lowered my voice.  “Always do what?”

“You’re smarter than average, so you count on your ability to think up solutions on the fly, you throw yourself into these reckless situations, push and vote for the risky plans because you know that’s a situation where you thrive, where you offer the most to the group.  Every step of the way, you do it.  Pushing the all-out assault on the Wards at the bank, charging in to fight Lung after taking on Oni Lee, the fundraiser, confronting Purity, attacking Leviathan with zero backup, the attack on the Wards’ HQ-”

…he’s not wrong.